Thursday, June 30, 2011

Every Bit of Humor Helps

I received a swimsuit today.  One of four, yes FOUR, that I ordered online in search of the perfect..AHEM..miraculous fit.  And I love it.  And miraculously, it fits.  Not like in the picture of course, but isn't it cute?
The first three didn't excite me like this one did.

So anyway, I like it sooo much that I thought I would tell all my girlfriends about it.  I open my email and find the "payment confirmation/shipping confirmation" one and as I'm scrolling down and scanning the words looking for the name of the suit I see this:

Shipping Method: FEDEX Ground (Delivered by the attractive, shorts-wearing FedEx Guy in 3-5 business Days)

That kinda cracked me up.  But it got me to they not hire women?

And just in case you have to have it too, it's a Tommy Hilfiger Noepe Patterned Tankini.  Dig it.


They were mine.  Yup.  I feel like such an idiot.  A ruh-tard.  I started doing some of the heaviest thinking to date and realized that they had the same exact cut and ribbon as another pair that I do wear; ones with cherries on them.  They came in a pack of three.  Maternity underwear.  Yup.  Shame on me.  They matched up perfectly, just like the glass slipper in many ways.  Sorry boyfriend.  Sorry mind.  Sorry blog.  I guess I continue on waiting for the cheating to happen cause apparently it hasn't happen just yet.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Case of the Mysterious Panties

Bloomers, really.  Pink.  They come down in the front to form a "V" met with a tiny little ribbon tied in a bow.  They are high cut, and certainly not small.  On the back written in red is the cursive word LOVE.  I studied these undies today after pulling them out of my drawer in effort to get ready to go to work.  They were slightly folded and when I grabbed them I had anticipated that they were a pair of my pink maternity bloomers from '07 when I was prego with Miss M.  What I didn't expect was that not only were they NOT that pair, but they weren't even mine or any I'd ever owned!  Or were they?  Do I possibly (but not really) remember buying a multi-pack and this pair was amongst them but because of their cheesy nature I stuffed them away and forgot about them?  Nah.  They look too tired for that.  Although not worn enough to have stained.  And lord knows we women stain crotches rather quickly with our expected "monthly" showing up unexpectedly and all.  I kept my cool and started to run down the possibilities that would allow my man to continue to reside in our house.

T-bone?  She's one of my best friends.  She has spent many nights at our house and even done laundry there but that was a long time ago and even so, these didn't strike me as Tre's type.  Regardless I call her immediately.  She didn't really have a recollection of such an item but couldn't rule it out.  I agreed, I didn't really know anyone who would advertise "Love" on the rear of their bloomers.  She tried to calm me and assure me that "he" just wasn't the type and never would do that.  But would he? 

O?  As in Wicky.  She stayed at our house to help out when I had baby number two.  These were slightly folded and she did fold the undies she washed.  She denied the claim.  Bummer.  They probably were too big for her anyway.  She suggested asking my Mom. 


That's funny because my Mother, like O herself, is 65.  Now, my Mom is not huge but her ass is on the wider side and very flat and I guarantee you she has never purchased anything remotely close to the undergarment in question.  Besides, she's strictly into silk.  Then why would I suspect Wicky you wonder?  Unlike my Mom, she is into stuff like that.  She likes leopard print.  'Nuff said yo.

I sent out a couple more texts. One to my bestie from high school and one to my neighbor from my old hood growin' up.  DENIED!  DENIED!  Both have spent nights at my house on many occasions.  They could easily have gotten left behind in the mix, especially since my man and I always give up our room to our guests.  Except for T-bone.  She's too much of a mess with her C-pap machine and stinky feet.  She gets the couch.  

So, here I am.  The mystery continues.  When I discussed my perplexing panty issue with my other half he was just as confused.  He suggested maybe I got them in a bag with all the baby clothes people have been handing down to me.  Maybe?  Quite possible, although JRae is known to try to convert you to wearing "thongs" (no thanks!) and the other two hand-me-downers aren't the right size or the type.  I guess I can't say that for sure.  Maybe their marriages are in need of some extra "love" if you get my drift.  But I can tell you right now, men don't pay attention to your underwear.  Except that they would rather see you without them.

It's not like I think I'm being cheated on.  In fact I'm ninety nine percent sure that's not what's going on here.  But I wouldn't be human if it didn't lay some "what ifs" out on the table.  I grew up NOT trusting men.  I can safely say that I know several unfaithful men.  I've been on both sides and on the outside looking in.  I grew up answering threatening phone calls from mistresses and then later questioning the hickeys on my boyfriends' neck that I did not create.  Shit like that followed me into the college years as well.  "Oh really?  She's a friend from High school?  Do you always grind on the dance floor with friends from high school?"  Hey..I wasn't born yesterday.  But the last time I thought my guy was being unfaithful I frrrrreeeeeeaked out.  My blood boiled and I wanted to kill someone.  I found this list on a piece of paper by our computer in the bedroom and it wasn't my handwriting.  WHAT THE FUCK?  I'd been waiting for it like I do in every relationship and now the moment was here.  He had no clue how to explain it.  He was scared and baffled.  Then it hit me.  T-bone.  She'd been over the previous weekend while my man was up north fishing.  She took the Aldi ad and went online to search some things out.  That list was her grocery list.  I felt so stupid.  And it was actually Mr. Faithful that figured it out. 

So I'm not all that concerned.  Curious, rather.  With just a hint of "what if".  What if she left them there on purpose.  What if she crawls in through our egress window at night.  There is no screen.  Although judging by the larger nature of these panties it's unlikely she'd go unnoticed and without a struggle.  Wait..they aren't that big.  In fact they would probably fit me.  Maybe they are mine.  Maybe I just don't remember.  But what if....

Thursday, June 9, 2011

When ya stumble upon some soft porn...

I was searching for pajamas on  What a score!