Trader who?

It is with great pride that I announce I am no longer a Trader Joe virgin! 

confetti falling and balloons dropping

For the past few years I have been invited on trips to and tasted many a snack from, and today I finally stepped foot in.

The adventure was quite overwhelming.  It's a small store full of food gimmicks, if you will.  Certainly you have your peripheral healthy foods like any grocer does; veggies, meat and dairy.  The ground beef and other meats seemed a tad "over packaged" unlike the fresh look you get at say, CUB FOODS where they plop a brick of burger on a pink sheet of Styrofoam and clumsily wrap it with Saran wrap so it appears as though they just finished grinding the cow on site.  TJ's uses very tight and sturdy sealing with labels that look as though they were crafted at scrap camp.  Although lovely to look at, I'm wondering how long the meat sat around waiting for all this fanciness to be assembled!

Speaking of cows, if you haven't seen the movie Temple Grandin, you should see it immediately.  Wonderful film!

Anyway, I then found the frozen isle which was somewhat of an appetizer circus.  They had it all.  Fun foods galore!  Goat cheese pastry pinwheels in my cart please.  Ooooh, salmon and spinach crepes!  What's this?  Swiss Gruyere flat bread with roasted onions?  Mmmmm.  Soooo glad we have an extra freezer in the basement!  Step aside venison chops and pizzas, Trader Joe's is movin' in.  Of course I didn't dare get too many of these fun foods and opted instead for items that my lovely man could enjoy as well, such as potato cakes and chicken verde burritos. (Save some for me please!).  Did I mention the candy cane ice cream?  It was a toss up between that and the pumpkin ice cream or mango sherbet.  Next time!

I was just about finished with my frozen gluttony when this obnoxious desire to flee came over me.  I wanted to abandon ship and run.  This was absurd!  I don't need this happy crap!  I'm not hosting any upcoming event anytime soon.  But I stayed with my cart and shamefully exited this isle of delight for more practical things, like cereal. 

I brought a few of the items to work.  The jalapeno cashews were VERY spicy, and I'm a spicy kinda gal but these left blisters.  The fresh cob salad was less than exciting and the lobster sushi tasted like a tuna salad sandwich wrap somehow.  I pray this isn't indicative of how my freezer goods at home will measure up! 

Lunch tomorrow..steamed Gyoza with gyoza dipping sauce!  Can't wait.  Actually, I'm hoping it all sucks.  I really do not want to ever go back to that store because there were sooooo many fun items I refused to even glance at that I'm afraid I'll cave.

Maybe I need a Trader Joe contraceptive...pronto!

The gift that keeps on giving

Nope.  Not talking about Herpes.  Check this out:

I assure you this is not a joke.  So pray tell...WHO and WHY?

Are you the person playing lawn games and don't want to set down your beer?  I imagine most lawn games require bending, jumping, and reaching.  So how is it this would be good for that?  Or maybe you are doing yard work?  Again, a lot of movement required.  Are you in construction and need both hands free at all times?  Not good to "drink and saw", much less hammer or climb a ladder.  I just don't get it.  Maybe you want to mow and drink?  If your lawn is sooo big you can't go the distance without a beer, then you should have a riding mower equiped with a cup holder.  Golfer?  I'm not one myself but I've seen people tee off and again, there is a lot of hip action in that swing!

So ya, I need help here.  Digame por favor...WHO and WHY?

Can Someone Put A Hood On This Vent?

Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale deeeeeeper....exhale louder.


This morning when I got home I couldn't park in the garage since my S.O.'s truck was in the way.  It shouldn't have mattered, but I felt aggravated for really stupid reasons.  We've been together 6 years now and have lived together a tad over 3 of those.  From the minute I moved in he has continually reassured me that I will someday be able to park in the garage.  "But I really don't need to park in the garage, really...I've never had a garage and don't need one now" I would say over and over.  But he insisted- especially now that we have this new car- that I park in the garage. 


Okay.  I will. 


I did, after all, give up my automatic starter that I OH SO CHERISHED in the winter and the hotter parts of summer.  Our garage is heated, so it would be nice to get into a warm car, with clear windows to boot!  So I have started parking in the garage. 


But this morning I couldn't so I parked in the front driveway.  I then sleep for roughly five, extremely interrupted hours and then get up to pick up Miss M from daycare and the minute I open the car door it begins beeping at me. 


Huh?


I try to start it and NO GO.  Huh?  Hmph? 


I take off the "key less" knob and try the auxiliary key to start it.  Nope.  Nada.  Grrrrrrrr.


Then I realize it's not in park.  The S.O. did not put it in park when he got back from dropping Miss M off at daycare.  Put it in Park..problem solved.  Zoom Zoom to daycare.


I get to daycare and pack up the kid, unknowingly with the wrong boots (Sorry "P").  We get home and the demands of Toddlerdome kick in immediately. 


I wanna (s)nack.  I wanna watch Dora.  I up. (She feels the need to constantly remind me that she is not napping).  I want my blankie.  I want my lamb.  I want juice.  I want chocolate milk.  I want trick-o-treat.  I want movie.  Then periodically she'll start whining or even crying cause she's trying to cover up with her blanket and failing, or trying to do something ridiculous and can't. 


So up and down I am as though I'm at Catholic mass waiting on my princess (yes, well aware it's my fault).  All I wanted was to have some coffee, check email and Facebook and slowly continue to WAKE THE FUCK UP!  Nope.  Not gonna happen.  So I try to clean and she follows me around wanting to help, which anyone with a three year old knows they don't help, they just slooooow you down significantly. 


I wanna push button.  I wanna pour soap.  I hold it for you?


NOOOOOO!  Then I try to sit again, threatening a nap if she doesn't quietly play by herself.  This backfires as she thinks it's funny and decides my legs need to be a slide and my back is turned into "play monkey bars".  Then she starts poking me.  Poke my belly..giggle.  Poke my face...giggle.  I'm losing it, although she doesn't know that.  I honestly want to scream "GET THE FUCK OFF ME" but I gently pick her off me and explain that mommy doesn't feel good and doesn't want to play right now.  Riiiiiiight.  Then more demands come.  I finally decide to get ready for work.  It's my only way out.  She won't follow me into the shower.


So the S.O. comes home and I make a comment about not being able to park in the garage and mention how he left my car in drive.  His response:


"I wish all I had to worry about all day was whether or not I would be able to park in the garage."


He said that at roughly 4:45pm today.  It's now after midnight and I'm still livid by that remark.  Because.. not only in that short few hours from waking up and getting our daughter have I had to constantly please her and take care of her needs while sacrificing mine (cause that's what being a mother is all about, right?) while also managing to do chores and hang up HIS clothes that have been in a folded "clean" pile on the dryer for about a week, but also I have come to work and had nothing but complete insanity in the first five hours of my shift.


My first patient arrives 2 hours late and when I go to call her name she's on the phone and ignores me.  I say it again, this time first and last and LOUDLY and she then gets off the phone.  I begin scanning her pregnant belly and ask it she knows the gender of the child to which she answers "it's a boy.  I really wanted another girl cause I have a boy and I don't know how I'm going to feed him cause they eat a lot".  After the test I call the doctor with results only to be bawled out for doing the wrong test, and accused of changing the exam order.  I won't even go into it, but basically this shitty OB doc ordered the wrong test and wanted someone else to take the blame.  Then I go back into my patients room to deliver the OB pics that she basically instructed me on how to take by saying things like "oh, that's a good one right there, can you print that?"  "Can you get another picture like that but with both eyes?"  "Oh, stop there and take that one".  Grrrrrr some more.  Anyway, her boyfriend is now seated in my scanning chair and scrolling through the images on the ultrasound machine like know how to operate it and everything!  WTF?  The woman then comments about playing with my 70,000 dollar machine.  Ummmm, more like a quarter of a mil!  He continues scrolling and requesting certain pictures he sees and I just can't handle either of them anymore.  He makes some comment about how I gave her a pic she was hoping she wouldn't get...I dunno...kill them?  Can I?


Meanwhile my coworker is getting swung at by a patient who got up off her cart and was swearing and wandering the halls.  Security finally escorted her back up to her room.  That was a lovely blow up.  It would be much appreciated if a nurse could tell us that the patient they are sending down to us is belligerent and violent and may need a "one on one"or restraints or sedation or in her case ALL THREE!


The night just continued that way.  My next patient wouldn't stop talking throughout the entire exam.  I was scanning the arteries in her neck, so this made for a crappy exam.  It also distracted me to the point where I started mislabeling shit and forgetting to delete mistakes etc.  She was so nice (for a change) that I didn't have the heart to ask her to stop talking!  Then another patient comes with her son who won't shut up.  I don't think people realize that I actually do need to concentrate on what I'm doing.  Then people start asking me "what's that?" on the screen and don't realize there are thousands of pixels of different shades of grey on my monitor and I have no idea what group of pixels in particular you are asking me to identify.  This woman's son wanted to know EVERYTHING.  They are told I can't give them results right?  Well they try to get creative by working around all that.  "So, if there was a clot, what would it look like?"  "So if the vein was blocked would you hear that noise?"  "So, how do you know there isn't a clot?"  Then you get all the basic questions "how long have you been doing this?" "where did you go to school?"  "how long was the schooling?"  "do you read the test?"  "will we get the results tonight?"  "will we talk to a doctor when we get to our room?"  ET CETERA fucking ET CETERA.


Another patient had his son with to interpret for him.  Little did I know the hospital had called an interpreter in for this patient.  She shows up long after the patient was gone and while I'm trying to finish up paper work on another patient she is requesting a thousand things. 


Do you have a phone?
Do you have a fax?
Can you sign this paper?
Can you fill this out?
Can I use your computer?


She's talking my ear off while I'm trying to get other shit done and I don't really care that she just got paged 15 minutes ago to come in for the patient who is long gone.  I don't care.  GO AWAY! 


Then a nurse calls from a floor to ask about an ultrasound I'm supposed to go up and do bedside.  The patients tube feeding was turned off at 5pm and she was told I would be up at 9:30 to do the test.  Nope.  Sorry.  I'm trying my best and I'd rather she be "npo" at least six hours.  She was told four.  Although that's our policy or standard for tube feedings, I'd rather it be six since it's late at night and people are VERY gassy at night just from breathing all day.


Then the S.O. calls to chat.  He vents about his day and then I try to vent about mine and everytime I start talking there is obnoxious background noise.  I'm already pissy.  I try to be calm.  First I hear a blow torch going which sounds like someone  handed the phone to a tornado.  I stop talking and wait for the noise to stop.  It does, I proceed only for the torch to start again.  "Geeeezus, what are you doing?" I ask.  "Trying to start the fire".  Okaaaaay.  Then that pesky interpreter comes back with more needs.  I tell him I have to go and call him back later.  When I do, he starts talking about stuff and I listen.  Then I try to start to vent again and when I do I hear this clammering, hammering sound in my ear.  OH MY GOD!  Are you kidding me?  "I think I have to let you go" I say.  "do you even understand why?" I ask.  "I guess sort of" he says which is basically saying YES to please me.  "I'm done now..I'm listening he says".  At this point I can't speak.  I want shit out of my night and it's everywhere I turn and I'm going to lose it.  "Do you wanna finish your story before you let me go?" he asks.  Then I get choked up.  I actually start to cry.  "No...I just have to hand up". 


Click. 


I pull myself together enough to go do this bedside exam.  The room is packed with IV's and the only way I can plug my machine in is by throwing cords over the head of the bed and dance around the room to search for a plug-in.  I can barely even get near the patient to scan her.  She's snoring (she's in SO MUCH PAIN) and she has a gigantic ostomy bag covering most of her abdomen, right where I'm supposed to do her ultrasound.  I finally manipulate the room so I can kinda get close to her torso.  It's an ugly exam.  I can't see shit for several reason.  She continues to snore.  I call it quits with the best I can do.  It's just par for the course of my evening.


So ya.  Parking in the garage is ALL I ever have to worry about.  No, my tool belt didn't break.  My nail gun didn't blow up and pieces of the siding weren't missing.  You're right.  I should just be thankful that I had another driveway to park in.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME

If I fart, I pee.
If I cough, I fart.
So I guess that means when I cough, I also pee?


Regardless, it's all so gross.  I've heard rumors a plenty of women having loss of bladder control after multiple (meaning 2 or more) children, but my multiple in the making is just that!  Technically, I've still only had one child!  Hopefully this is just a pregnancy thing.  It's alarming sometimes since I am prego, to feel that wetness "twain ma legs" cause I imagine it's the same feeling you get when you leak amniotic fluid.  Oh joy.  Kegels Kegels Kegels! The easiest do-them-while-you-sit-and-do-nothing exercise and I still can't remember to, or make myself do them.  What's that all about?  It's Kegels or an eventual bladder sling?  C'mon girl..get with the program.


Other random things I never thought would happen to me:

* I never thought I'd purchase Summer's Eve vaginal wipes for that PTA (Pits, Tits and Ass) shower my mother always warned me about.  But I've come to that point in my life where I have less time to pretty up by taking a long, hot shower with a full leg/pit shave (maybe even a yoo-hoo trim).  Don't vomit just yet...I do indeed keep clean and still shower, just not daily like I once did.  It doesn't help things that my hair actually looks better each day it goes unwashed.  Lucky me!  And did you know they now make Dry Shampoo in case your head tends to lean toward greasy after a day or two?  Who knew?  LOVE IT! 
* I never thought I'd be researching microderm abrasion treatments before turning 40.  Something wicked is happening to my skin.  When I smile, the creases don't subside.  My cheeks look sunburned and are actually peeling without any contact with the sun whatsoever.  I have brown spots attending the funerals of adult acne.  Crows feet.  Lines between my eyes from not wearing sunglasses, or possibly from my Lasik surgery starting to fail.  I'm considering spending a Benjamin on some designer hydrating formula that probably doesn't work.  I've already puchased a few wrinkle creams and moisturizers that got rave reviews on the Today Show, only to stash them away with other unsuccessful items such as my hemorrhoid cooling gel.  Yes, that would be another "I never".
* I never thought my body would stop wanting sex.  My mind still wants it.  My common sense and desire for a healthy relationship still wants it.  Lord knows my boyfriend still wants it, but my libido ain't havin' it.  Hopefully, eventually, I can add a Sexual Peak to my "I never".  I used to laugh at my married friends when they spoke about the rarity of their intimate romping claiming "I will never not want sex" and now I never thought I would never not want sex.  Disturbing. 
* Along the same lines, I never thought I'd see so much vagina.  I had no idea going into this profession that it was so...vaginal.  And in all the vagina I've seen, I've learned that I am in the minority when it comes to pruning my hedge, so to speak.  Lately I've been thinking of finally goin' for that Brazilian.  I suppose that is going to cost another Benjamin.  But maybe once I finish (laser) removing the hair above and around my lips up north, I can afford to attack the lips down south.  I wonder if they can somehow permanently remove nasal hair? 

I never...

To be continued.

My Home Town

Every Thursday night at work I look forward to visiting http://www.mcrecord.com/.  It's our local newspaper The Record from the home town and county that I grew up in.  It's very entertaining.  Here's just one example of why.  The following is the weekly crime report:


Oct. 14 — Scrap iron and copper items were stolen from a property on 330th Avenue in Foley.
Oct. 17 — An older model Northwestern skid loader, yellow in color, with a bucket and fork bucket, was stolen from a residence on 330th Street in Motley. Value of the skid loader was $5,000. Later, the owner reported two three-wheelers and frame/wheels for a four-wheeler were also stolen.
Oct. 17 — A property on Skyview Road in Hillman was trashed.
Oct. 17 — A cup with $50 worth of change was stolen from a residence on 200th Street in Little Falls.
Oct. 18 — A 3-foot by 2-foot wooden sign was stolen from the end of a driveway on Quarter Road in Pierz. The sign said “Uncle Bob’s Cabin” and was valued at $100.
Oct. 19 — Someone broke a window in a loader that was parked in a pit west of Genola.
Oct. 20 — A Lincoln brand arc welder valued at $400, a radiator for a Super A Farmall tractor valued at $150, a 10-speed bicycle, a 1980s model Remington brand chain saw and a 12-inch crescent wrench were stolen from a garage on property on 10th Avenue in Burtrum.


And if that isn't entertainment enough, check out the following link.  Now, I have had a baby and thankfully all Mom's think their baby is the cutest because (and some of you will argue) NOT ALL BABIES ARE CUTE.  See for yourself:

http://www.stgabriels.com/Sept2010storkreport.html

Maybe you are fretting about retiring your plow.  If so, find comfort in this story: 
http://mcrecord.com/archives/476789/swanville-will-continue-to-see-the-same-old-plow-truck-this-winter/


You can also visit the Society news and read about engagements here:
http://mcrecord.com/archives/category/society/engagements/ I don't recognize anyone anymore since everyone from my town that is my age, except me, is already married.

Or check out wedding photos in search of the good ole "up nort" spirit such as this glamorous shot :
http://mcrecord.com/archives/476623/melissa-stuckmayer-kenneth-kasella/

Gotta LOVE John Deere.  Which reminds me of something my Grandma once said regarding my Grandpa's obsession with his lawn:  "If I was a lawn mower, Bob would ride me all the time!"

Amen Grandma.