If I fart, I pee.
If I cough, I fart.
So I guess that means when I cough, I also pee?
Regardless, it's all so gross. I've heard rumors a plenty of women having loss of bladder control after multiple (meaning 2 or more) children, but my multiple in the making is just that! Technically, I've still only had one child! Hopefully this is just a pregnancy thing. It's alarming sometimes since I am prego, to feel that wetness "twain ma legs" cause I imagine it's the same feeling you get when you leak amniotic fluid. Oh joy. Kegels Kegels Kegels! The easiest do-them-while-you-sit-and-do-nothing exercise and I still can't remember to, or make myself do them. What's that all about? It's Kegels or an eventual bladder sling? C'mon girl..get with the program.
Other random things I never thought would happen to me:
* I never thought I'd purchase Summer's Eve vaginal wipes for that PTA (Pits, Tits and Ass) shower my mother always warned me about. But I've come to that point in my life where I have less time to pretty up by taking a long, hot shower with a full leg/pit shave (maybe even a yoo-hoo trim). Don't vomit just yet...I do indeed keep clean and still shower, just not daily like I once did. It doesn't help things that my hair actually looks better each day it goes unwashed. Lucky me! And did you know they now make Dry Shampoo in case your head tends to lean toward greasy after a day or two? Who knew? LOVE IT!
* I never thought I'd be researching microderm abrasion treatments before turning 40. Something wicked is happening to my skin. When I smile, the creases don't subside. My cheeks look sunburned and are actually peeling without any contact with the sun whatsoever. I have brown spots attending the funerals of adult acne. Crows feet. Lines between my eyes from not wearing sunglasses, or possibly from my Lasik surgery starting to fail. I'm considering spending a Benjamin on some designer hydrating formula that probably doesn't work. I've already puchased a few wrinkle creams and moisturizers that got rave reviews on the Today Show, only to stash them away with other unsuccessful items such as my hemorrhoid cooling gel. Yes, that would be another "I never".
* I never thought my body would stop wanting sex. My mind still wants it. My common sense and desire for a healthy relationship still wants it. Lord knows my boyfriend still wants it, but my libido ain't havin' it. Hopefully, eventually, I can add a Sexual Peak to my "I never". I used to laugh at my married friends when they spoke about the rarity of their intimate romping claiming "I will never not want sex" and now I never thought I would never not want sex. Disturbing.
* Along the same lines, I never thought I'd see so much vagina. I had no idea going into this profession that it was so...vaginal. And in all the vagina I've seen, I've learned that I am in the minority when it comes to pruning my hedge, so to speak. Lately I've been thinking of finally goin' for that Brazilian. I suppose that is going to cost another Benjamin. But maybe once I finish (laser) removing the hair above and around my lips up north, I can afford to attack the lips down south. I wonder if they can somehow permanently remove nasal hair?
To be continued.
It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.
1 day ago