I'm wide awake tonight yet very tired, exhausted. I'm tired of my self-centered man. Selfish? No. Just self-centered. Is one worse than the other? Really? We go over hurdles more than we sail through the course without hitting any cones. We have our "quarterly discussions" on how to make our shit work better together and for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks we are on track and happy and then soon it falls apart again. So easily. I wish it went together as smoothly as it falls apart. But it doesn't. He talks, I cry and we agree to try to meet those needs of the other. It's more of the same every time. And it gets progressively more exhausting. I pull away and put the wall back up built with more resentment each time I lay down another brick. In fact, since I couldn't sleep tonight I decided to retreat to the garage to mix more concrete.
Last night I called him from work saying we need a date, or something to help us reconnect because I don't feel the connection right now and when I feel that way my whole life sucks. He agreed and claims he's been trying to communicate but I never want to. That's not true. It's usually bad timing. I'm a baby. I'm a cryer. Our therapist once pointed out that all my emotions come out with crying cause that is what I know. I'm basically a flat-lined person until I cry. So when he tries to start a discussion about US right before I have to pick up the daughter from daycare, or before I have to leave for work I have to decline so as not to show up all puddled. (Case in point: he just came out to the garage where I am to see if everything is alright. It's after midnight and I really don't want to solve anything right now cause I'm really pissed, it's late and it would take us into the early morning if we started in right now.)
You would think it would be easy to meet your partner's needs. It ain't so eeee-say. His needs are all about sex. He needs sex to feel connected. I need the connection to want to have sex. See where this is a problem? SEX SEX SEX. I assume it's an issue the world over. Men want it a lot. Women want it a little, if that much. My cards are stacked against me. I'm not even here three nights out of the week. On weekends we go to bed often two hours apart from one another and since I get up with the toddler on weekends I don't want to wake up to lose an additional hour for sex. I don't wake up horny. He did nothing all day/week/month to make me horny, yet I'm the one with the problem. For the last few months he's been fishing every weekend so I can't really get horny that way since I'm left at home with a sassy little girl while he drinks beer, catches fish and sleeps in. Horny starts with my head. Horny does not happen by me seeing your bare chest..not anymore. Maybe in the beginning, but that stuff fades. Horny happens when I ovulate. That's the nature of the women, especially one that wants to have another baby. But I'm told I can't have another baby until our sex life meets his standards. But what about my needs? I just want to be thought of. I want affection. I don't want to be groped while leaning over the kitchen sink pealing carrots. That's not affection, that's annoying because I'm cooking and if I drop my pants in the kitchen the meal might get ruined.
I read once that a man thinks about sex every 30 seconds. That's way off. It's on the second, every second of the day unless he's working which he isn't right now. How did this all come about tonight you wonder? Me out in the garage blogging about it? I was awake in bed and heard him come in but he never came to bed. I know what this means. He's sleeping in the basement bedroom because he knows I have my monthly and sex isn't an option. How fucking rude is that? How fucked up is that, the poor sex starved baby. If he had erectile dysfunction would I ostracize him to make a statement? And it's not like we don't have sex. It might only be twice a week instead of his twice daily wishes, but if you take into consideration that I only share a bed with him 4 nights a week IF he doesn't go fishing or hunting for the weekend, I'd say that's pretty good. He says he doesn't want pity sex. Than don't take it. Or do something..ANYTHING to make me horny. There are sooo many little things a man could do to make that happen.
Offer to pick up the kid from daycare so I can sleep an extra hour instead of the usual 5 hours I get. You're not working! You pick her up! LET ME SLEEP.
Ask me questions about my day. Ask about my night out with my sister. Ask about work. Ask about my plans for the weekend. Ask me to FUCKING DO SOMETHING with you. Take me out. Get a babysitter. Dust the furniture. Again, you aren't working. Show interest in me. I know you have little interest and that makes horny so far away for me.
So I get up and go downstairs and inquire why he's sleeping in the basement. "I just felt like sleeping here". Bullshit. So what did I do? I crawled back in bed and grabbed my vibratin' boy and had my own little taste of horny. So there. Your loss.