Today I purchased a couple of books that should have been displayed in the self-help section but were found in the relationship category. The first, Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus is an oldie, however I never had a desire to read it before cause hey, what could a man possibly know about where women are from and what they are thinking? But I'm ready now. I have to be. I'm desperate and searching for how to understand my relationship, my role in this relationship (I've been told I'm not the woman) and most of all I need to understand the MAN in this relationship, even if he claims emotionally he is not the man.
A month ago when I returned from Arizona I experienced possibly the best two weeks of any relationship I have been in. We were working on things. Finding the connection. Letting guards down and taking risks and I felt we were swimming in the benefits of all the hard work we were putting forth as a successful couple. Key point here : "I felt". He did not feel that way and before I could even get used to being the type of girlfriend I've often wanted to be, he stepped off.
Off the spectrum that is.
I tell him he's sooo not a spectrum guy. He's either ON or OFF. He won't hang out on it. Perhaps if I could find a way to hide some beer along the spectrum he'd linger a little. Hmph. Anyway, It's the hardest thing I've had to learn about a person, ever. All or nothing. Black or White. That doesn't work for someone who is learning a trait that does not come naturally for whatever reason. It takes everything I have to compliment someone. It takes even more to tell them face to face that I love them. I constantly WANT to say things to people that I'm thinking..ahem, nice things..but I usually can not do it. But I'm working on it. And I'm working on affection. When I feel like touching him I actually will instead of just thinking of how badly I want to do it. I don't know why it's so hard. The only thing I can come up with is fear of rejection. Or fear of looking or sounding like an idiot. Here's an example:
One evening last week the hospital had a "Nurse Appreciation" breakfast in the cafeteria at 1:30am consisting of a free waffle buffet. I wasn't even aware it was nurse appreciation week, but free waffles are definitely a good way to draw my attention to anything. A nurse from the floor calls and wants to know if I can come up and do a bedside exam on a patient who needs her gallbladder scanned. I ask why I need to come up, to which she replies "because we don't have anyone to bring her down and she's not feeling well". I've given into this in the past and was very familiar with what it meant to not have anyone to bring the patient down. Translation: We don't have a PCA tonight and all of our nurses are busy checking their emails (perhaps even blogging) and don't feel it's in their job title to stoop to transporting a patient. I've gone up before and watched in horror as all these unavailable nurses sat around laughing and eating and shootin' the shit while I'm rearranging the patients room in order to fit my machine next to the bed and bending in positions that'll cut my career short because I can't move some things, like IV poles and large recliners. Ergonomically, it's a back bender and a shoulder shatterer and I can't afford to seize having employment. Capeche? If the patient is hooked up to ventilation, or in ICU for whatever reason it's a given we go bedside and we get enough of those that we really can't afford favors. WHOA..pull it back in blogger girl..enough with the tangent.
I explain to the woman on the phone that typically a nurse will bring the patient down and she agreed to find someone. About fifteen minutes later my patient arrives via wheelchair being pushed by a very friendly and helpful nurse. She even helped get the patient onto the bed! We started chatting and I thanked her for bringing the patient down and on the tip of my heavy, weighted and frozen tongue were the words "I really appreciate what you nurses do", "Thank you thank you for bringing her it means a lot to me and I really appreciate it, happy Nurse Appreciation Week". What came out?
"Did you get the free waffles?"
So that's me. My struggles with my reservations to tell people how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I can tell certain people things that most can't. I can tell my sister that she's sick and needs help and dating a psychotic man who I hope gets wiped out by an IED in his 3 month stint in Afghanistan (and I sincerely mean it). I can tell my Mom she's depressed and needs to start moving or she will be in a wheelchair in a year. Or that I think she lives beyond her means and shouldn't be buying pulltabs. I can tell my Dad's wife that she needs to be careful with pain pills cause they really only mask pain, whereas ibuprofen actually decreases swelling and speeds up healing and you can't get addicted to Ibuprofen. I can't, however, tell her that I believe she may already have an addiction. I can tell you I like your hair, your coat, your new car, the gift you gave me. But I can't tell you I think your gorgeous and sexy and make me tingle. I can only think it.
So anyway, maybe if I can understand men and women and their different needs and wants and hopefully get my man to read as well (he's usually on board with that kinda thing) we can make this work afterall. Because I want those weeks back. They truly were, simply the best.