Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ten reasons why I hate to leave my house

1. Traffic.  People DO NOT know how to drive.  Every day that I get on the road I feel like I'm in a friggin' video game.  Anyone remember that Paper Boy one?  Where the boy is riding a bike delivering papers and has to avoid all sorts of obstacles?  That's me driving.  Constantly on the defense and for good reason.

2, 3, 4 and 5.  Customer service sucks.  SERIOUSLY!  Okay, it started out fantastic at the White and Black store with the sales lady on my every need (although I think it was cause I hadn't showered and appeared impoverished) but then she kind of agreed that my dresses weren't working.  "I like the way that one looks better than the beaded one."  I never asked her preference!  That's like saying "well if you have to make one work, that one is better."  HAHA.  No harsh feelings.  I should know better than to go shopping for dresses whilst on the rag.  After that uplifting experience I decide to give Macy's a shot.  I actually found a couple of dresses I liked and couldn't decide which to go with so I purchased both figuring one would be returned.  You couldn't beat the prices!  Now, needing a tummy tucker (no one deserves to be assaulted by the deep indentation of my umbilical remnants) I head to that dreaded department and find something rather quickly.  However, when it comes time to make my purchase there's not a soul to be found.  I think I finally found someone in the mens department and THANK GOD it wasn't a man working the register cause I don't know that I could have let him ring up my body silmmer!  A woman, who was obviously doing some paperwork, tried hard not to notice me so I asked loudly (cause I'm not normally loud), "Can I purchase this here?" and she let me.  On to find shoes!  Woohoo for shoe shopping.  I stood around for about 15 minutes trying to get the attention of a sales person running around all frazzled cause the phones kept ringing.  Finally I see her stop and do nothing so I ask loudly (cause loud worked last time)  "Do you think maybe you could get me some shoes to try on? Or is there someone who can?"  She does, but then when it comes time to purchase them I have to wait, once again, until she freezes in her tracks.  Keep in mind I have a toddler with me who hates to shop more than I do and now knows how to unbuckle herself, therefore is no long restrainable and wants to run around the entire shoe department just as I'm paying for my shoes.  She's clever that way.  She waits until I'm vulnerable with my purse splayed out and credit cards or photo ID out.  She knows I will hesitate to chase after her because I don't want to abandon my belongings, much less tie up a sales person. And keep in mind it is a Monday afternoon and the place is not at all busy. So then it's on to find some accessories to dangle off a limb or two.  No problem finding the damn things but is anyone working the counter so I can pay?  FUCK!  Then I'm in the food court for lunch..okay, ya it's a "food court" but I still pay good coin..and the first guy at the counter takes my order which included a Lil' Chicken Quesadilla and he starts making it and asks "you say cheese, right?"  I was too exhausted from shopping at this point AND too hungry to correct him so I said "sure".   Then the woman wrapping up my burrito starts to fold and tuck without adding the lettuce I'd requested.  Loud loud loud I say "I asked for lettuce with that too please" and I'm sure the look on her face was disgust at herself for fogetting what extras I'd asked for, but I couldn't help feeling sour about it.  FOCUS people.  Listen!

6. Rarely do I get to shop "kid free".  I touched on this a tad above, with the stroller escaping and running away, but my little princess is very shy so ANYONE that looks at her causes us stress.  She will crawl up the back of the stroller, headed straight for my arms if you say HI or anything directed her way.  It's annoying.  I don't know why cause she's been very socialized.  When we sat down in the food court to eat she insisted on sitting on my lap.  She's done this before and I've let her and not been able to enjoy my meal so I decide to end the bullshit here and now.  After some harsh discussion and small whining I'm able to get her to kneel on the chair next to me.  I just take a bite of my now cold burrito and "whap" then "AHHHHHH" the shrill of an injured child rings through the echo dome.  Apparently she was going to sit on her buttocks and the transition caused her lips to come in contact with the table.  Just a little blood and surprisingly not much crying.  Does she ever eat?  No.  Do I continue to purchase food for her everytime I take her out to eat?  Yes.  Does she ever eat it?  No.  Who's food does she eat then?  Mine.  UGH! 

7. Buyers remorse. 

8. Knowing that the fear and hatred of that Mall will probably prevent me from returning the dress I don't wear and probably never will wear and so it'll hang in my closet forever reminding me of the shopping trip I need to take, and eventually the shopping trip that it's too late to take.

9. Ah shit, I guess I can't think of two more cause I'm still SO exhausted from that shopping trip yesterday!  It wears a person out!  It's like jet lag.  So I guess that's number nine.  Exhaustion.

10.  Having to try my hardest NOT to throw away receipts.  I'm a really bad receipt storer/archiver person so even if I did want to return something and actually pumped myself up enough to go back that effin' place I probably wouldn't be able to return it!  Maybe that's why I lose them?  So I don't have to go back.

aH Ha!


  1. an idea that i read about(haven't tried it yet) get a little file box,,label with clothes, appliances, garden tools, etc etc..can subdivide the clothes, childrens, his, hers, etc etc...and stick those reciepts in there! Hope it works for you!

  2. Hows the book reading coming??

  3. I'm slackin'...big time. Life's gotten busy all of the sudden! And apparently the guy who wrote it isn't even a doctor so that might discredit his theories, don't you think? Hopefully I'll get back to it soon. I sometimes think that there is no book out there to explain MY MAN.