Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mental Tattoos

Oh how I love to get a good massage.  Not a feel good massage either.  No no.  The kind I get are not for the weak.  They hurt.  They make you wanna cry but you know you need the work so you distract yourself by holding conversation with the massage therapist.  Initially this bothered me.  She'd start asking me questions and I'd give short answers hoping she'd just let me relax and enjoy.  But then I realized that I not only needed the conversation, but wanted it as well.  How were her kids-her Albino son with the vision issues?  How's the bathroom remodel coming along?  Did her Brittish hubby find work yet?  And occasionally I'm reminded of a funny that is worth bloggin' 'bout.

As she pressed, pulled and beat on me we began discussing tattoos.  "Yup" I assured her "I only have the one".  But I've always secretly wanted another on my back somewhere, ideally my lower back, of a smooshed fairy from Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book. (Not sure that's the exact title but it's A MUST READ).  When you get to the end of the book this so called pressed fairy cutout falls out onto your lap.  It did mine, at least.  Since then I thought it would look hilarious on my back, as though I personally sat back against a chair and smooshed her with her stretched out leg and foot trailing down between my ass crack.  However, with lower back tattoos gettin' a trampy rap I decided against anymore ink until I can figure out a better place for my fairy to float.

Insert joke here:
Why do women get their belly buttons pierced? (Answer can be found at the end of this post)

SOOoo, I explained to my massage gal that I thought about getting the tattoo on my ankle touched up.  It's quite sun kissed and dull and I wouldn't mind that pain again.  It's a sexy pain.  In fact one of my highschool classmates is a Tattoo Artist and I know she would do it!  But would she?  This is my dilemma.  You see, she used to have a crush on me.  I wasn't really aware of it..I don't think..until a rumor circulated at my sister's wedding that I actually SLEPT with this person. HUH?  Ya, okay.  True.  I did share a bed with her in highschool when we'd have sleepovers but I never SLEPT slept with her.  I even recall a time she put her arm around me "spoonishly" and I thought nothing of it cause she was affectionate.  She had a boyfriend, besides.  Rumors went around that she was a lesbian but I defended her then and now she was spreading rumors about me,!

There's more to the story.  It was before the rumor, after she'd "come out".  Since our Mom's lived across the avenue from one another, I'd visit her when I was home from college.  We sat chatting on the couch and I spilled some frustration about the divorce of my parents and how dating was the furthest thing from my mind.  Well, apparently what she heard was "I'm a lesbian too.  Please help me find a date." 

Now I can see where one might read into that and get that.  KIDDING of course.  HUH?  So I'm at my best friends cabin and she gets off the phone and announces that "E" is coming to the cabin as well and bringing a bunch of gay people!  I didn't mind.  I was hip and open and accepting of E's lifestyle and welcomed her presence.

Hours go by and no "E" and no gay posse.  I got sleepy and decided to crawl into bed and call it a night.  I'm pretty sure I was asleep when this took place.

ME:  Wakes up startled by E jumping on the bed
E:  "Jezi waaaaake uuuup!"
ME:  Now kinda sleeping and kinda pretending because I hear a lot of loud, festive man voices downstairs and wasn't sure if I could ever get the energy to join that party.
E:  "Jezi, I brought a girl for you".
ME: (very calm and groggy) "E, I like penises"
E: "No you don't"
ME: "Yes, I do"

With that she left the room and joined her friends downstairs.  I was rather confused, yet grateful had I actually thought I was a lesbian, or reaching out to become one, that she was there to hook me up.  However, it made for an awkward evening.  I eventually crawled out from my safety hole because quite honestly, the group of 5 or 6 sounded more like a group of infants on a rollercoaster and sleep was not gonna happen.  This girl o'mine (teehee) was not shy about staring at me.  I was shy about even remotely glancing in her direction in fear of misleading her.  And yet, because it's a fault of mine, I actually felt sorry for my blind date because it was too blind to even be a date. 

The rest of the evening from what I recall was quite entertaining for a girl from a small town that didn't have much experience around gay men.  The most vivid in my memory is that of the boys running into the water in their white bikini/thong undies squealing from the chilly water and splashing and galloping about. 

So, as a wrap up, although things have since been smoothed over (and she denied starting the rumor), I'm not sure I want to give her access to my leg with permanent ink.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  Indeed, we are Facebook friends and she's been "married" for years and has the most beautiful daughter from Guatemala and probably has no interest in toying with me. 

Afterall, she's already tattooed my brain. 

A:  So they have somewhere to hang the air freshener!


  1. Love the Q & A ... it will forever be in my head now!

    As for the tat.. if you like my guy is fantastic, hes done 2 of mine.. and when I go home, I will def be heading his way. But, its a personal thing and you gotta feel right about it... but yeah the ink is permanent, and Im not sure that I would be all so comfy... I would be thinking.. what if she remembers I turned her down and just makes a tiny mistake.. its there forever... and then again, she might be alright with it.

    Was that the one with all the barbie dolls? hehe

  2. Oh lezzie are so funny! Think i'd go with INALITTLEMINUTE'S tattooist. Not sure i'd take the chance on the "friend" messin with ink on the bod that she adored....and didn't get to have. After so many funked up relationships i used to encourage my daughter to be lesbo. Men can be such hard work and so exhausting mentally! Today i'm ready to sell mine. Any offers?